Adolescence and the Influence of Parents

As teenage individuality and independence grow, parents can feel less in control.

Key points

• In adolescence, the mindset of independence arrives long before it is functionally assumed.
• Parental structure, support, and supervision provide security the teenager may not be ready to give up.
• To not be in control of your adolescent is not a problem to fix; it is a reality to accept and to work with.

Some people believe that parenting doesn’t have that much influence on the child and adolescent’s development.

After all, nature can predominate over nurture, and there are so many other factors besides parents (like social circumstances, innate characteristics, chance occurrences, peer influences, personal choices, and cultural components) that can play a formative role in the young person’s growth.

Liberation thinking

Of course, the adolescent understands a truth about parental influence that the little child did not. Emancipated from younger illusions about parental power, the teenager is freed by liberation thinking:

• “You can make the rules, but I get to choose obedience.”
• “You are in charge, but I decide to cooperate.”
• “You are in command, but I am in control.”
• “You can’t actually make me or stop me.”
• “What I do or don’t do is up to me.”

In adolescence, the mindset of independence arrives long before it is functionally assumed. If so, why doesn’t the young person just take all her or his freedom at the point of realization and run? The answer is that total freedom of choice is more freedom than the young person wants. Existing dependency on parental structure, support, and supervision provides security the teenager is not yet ready to give up.

For all the brave and brazen talk about wanting independence now, the adolescent is too invested in living at home to actually leave it. Holding on to the ties of dependency and un-readiness for assuming total self-management responsibility that comes with true independence keeps the young person from breaking free.

The reality of consent

When a young person separates from childhood to begin the journey of growing up, she exits the age of command (“I must do as I’m told.”) and enters the age of consent (“You can’t make or stop me unless I let you.”) Adolescence is pretty empowering: Without her consent, adult authority gets no compliance.

Yet, time and again, the teenager acts obediently. Why? There are many motivations at the moment: to escape consequences for not obeying, to please parents, to avoid conflict, feeling too tired to object, to get along, to make life simpler, to let them have to decide, to give them the responsibility, to respect their leadership, to agree that maybe they know best, or to bide time until able and willing to run one’s own life.

Parental influence

Simply because parents do not possess actual control is no reason to discount their significant sources of persuasive influence. Consider 13 possible kinds:

1. Direction by parents: “A lot of times I just did what my parents said.” The obedient child can act how parents tell them to.
2. Identification with parents: “I try to be like my parents.” The admiring child can want to imitate parental ways.
3. Adjustment to parents: “Coping with how my parents are has shaped how I am.” The adaptive child can suit behavior to how parents are.
4. Approval from parents: “I like to act in ways my parents like.” The pleasing child enjoys receiving parental appreciation.
5. Education by parents: “They taught me many basic skills.” The ignorant child can find parental teachers informative.
6. Persuasion by parents: “Talking it out, sometimes I can see things my parents’ way.” The reasonable child can find discussion convincing.
7. Process with parents: “I learned to listen in disagreement with parents who listened to me.” The impressionable child can learn from the relationship.
8. Example of parents: “From watching my single parent, I spend very carefully, too.” The observant child can find adult modeling instructive.
9. Contracting with parents: “We offer and counter-offer to reach agreement.” The bargaining child can find negotiation empowering.
10. Disclosure by parents: “My parents learned some hard lessons that they told me.” The innocent child can profit from parental experience.
11. Support by parents: “I always know my parents have my best interests at heart.” The grateful child can value parental guidance.
12. Intimidation by parents: “I do as I’m told because I’m scared not to.” The fearful child can be obedient to threats and coercion.
13. Manipulation by parents: “I feel responsible for making them unhappy.” The guilty child can’t stand accusation for parental suffering.

I believe the last two influential strategies are best avoided because they can injure safety and trust in the relationship. Otherwise, the more sources of influence that parents can draw upon, the more influential they are likely to be.

So: the takeaway?

To not be in control of your adolescent is not a problem to fix; it is a reality to accept and to work with. What can be a problem is if you are bankrupt of influence. If you feel this is the case, then look to yourself, not your adolescent, and see which sources of parental influence you might usefully reclaim.